I know it's stupid, but that's what makes this joke so funny
What's blue and fluffy?
Blue fluff
—Sarah
A three year old boy noticed
his testicles while taking a bath.
"Mom", he asked, "Are these my brains?"
"Not yet," she replied.
—Cate,
Princeton, NJ
A Washington Post columnist
runs a column each summer listing interesting t-shirts observed
at the beach in Ocean City, Maryland:
I childproofed my house, but
they still get in.
On the front- 60 is not old.
On the back- If you're a tree.
I'm still hot. It just comes
in flashes.
At my age, "getting lucky"
means finding my car in the parking lot.
My reality check just bounced.
Life is short, make fun of
it.
I'm not 50. I'm $49.95 plus
tax.
Annapolis--A drinking town
with a sailing problem.
I need somebody bad. Are you
bad?
Physically pffffffft!
Buckle up. It makes it harder
for the aliens to snatch you from your car.
I'm not a snob. I'm just better
than you are.
It's my cat's world. I'm just
here to open cans.
Earth is the insane asylum
of the universe.
Keep staring....I may do a
trick.
We got rid of the kids. The
cat was allergic.
Dangerously under-medicated.
My mind works like lightning.
One brilliant flash, and it's gone.
Every time I hear the word
"exercise", I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
Cats regard people as warm-blooded
furniture.
Live your life so that when
you die, the preacher will not have to tell lies at your funeral.
In God we trust. All others
we polygraph.
And one I persoanlly saw at
the drive-in the other night:
Paddle Faster! I hear banjo music!!
—Vicki,
Sparta, TN
If you're not familiar with
the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous erudite scientist who
once said: "I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been
stolen...and replaced by exact duplicates. His mind sees things
differently than we do, to our amazement and amusement.
Here are some more of his gems:
- I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
- Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't
expect it back.
- Half the people you know are below average.
- The problem with the gene pool is that there
is no lifeguard.
- 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
- 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the
spot.
- A conscience is what hurts when all your other
parts feels so good.
- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a
bad memory.
- All those who believe in psycho-kinesis, raise
my hand.
- OK, so what's the speed of dark?
- How do you tell when you're out of invisible
ink?
- I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left
me before we met.
- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
- When everything is coming your way, you're
in the wrong lane.
- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to
buy her friends?
- What happens if you get scared half to death
twice?
- My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair
your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all
evidence that you tried.
- Experience is something you don't get until
just after you need it.
- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism;
to steal from many is research.
- The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll
have to catch up.
- Everyone has a photographic memory, some just
don't have film
- A conclusion is the place where you got tired
of thinking.
—Cate,
Princeton, NJ 
"I feel so miserable without
you, it's almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
"He has all the virtues
I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
- Winston Churchill
"A modest little person,
with much to be modest about."
- Winston Churchill
"I have never killed a
man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
- Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known
to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
"Poor Faulkner. Does he
really think big emotions come from big words?"
- Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
"Thank you for sending
me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
- Moses Hadas
"He is not only dull himself,
he is the cause of dullness in others."
- Samuel Johnson
"He has delusions of adequacy."
- Walter Kerr
"He can compress the most
words into the smallest idea of any man I know."
- Abraham Lincoln
"I've had a perfectly
wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
- Groucho Marx
"They never open their
mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge."
- Thomas Brackett Reed
"In order to avoid being
called a flirt, she always yields easily."
- Charles, Count Talleyrand
"If the writing is honest
it cannot be separated from the man or woman who wrote it."
- Tennessee Williams
"I didn't attend the funeral,
but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
- Mark Twain
"His mother should have
thrown him away and kept the stork."
- Mae West
"Some cause happiness
wherever they go; others whenever they go."
- Oscar Wilde
"He has no enemies, but
is intensely disliked by his friends."
- Oscar Wilde
"I am enclosing two tickets
to the first night of my new play, bring a friend. If you have one."
- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend
the first night, will attend the second. If there is one."
- Winston Churchill, in reply
"Interpreter! Interpreter!
How do you say the opposite of Vive Le France?"
- Winston Churchill, on Charles de Gaulle
"A sheep in sheep's clothing."
- Winston Churchill, on Clement Atlee
"There but for the grace
of God, goes God."
- Winston Churchill, on Stafford Cripps
"He occasionally stumbled
over the truth, but hastily picked himself up and hurried on as
if nothing had happened."
- Winston Churchill, on Stanley Baldwin
—Cate,
Princeton, NJ
Mrs. Donovan was walking down
O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Rafferty.
The Father said, "Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs.
Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer husband two years ago?
She replied, "Aye, that ye did, Father."
The Father asked, "And be there any wee ones yet?
"No, not yet, Father" she replied.
The Father said, "Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and
I'll light a candle for ye and yer husband."
"Oh, thank ye, Father," she replied.
They parted ways and when they met again some years later, Father
Rafferty asked, "Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?
And tell me, have ye some wee ones."
She said, "Oh, yes Father. Three sets of twins and four singles,
10 in all.
The Father said, "Glory be! That's wonderful! And how is yer
loving husband doing?"
She replied, "E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle!
—Cate,
Princeton, NJ
- A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two
dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm
sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
- Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one
turns to the other and says "Dam!"
- Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly,
so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving
once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
- Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've
lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?"
The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."
- Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused
Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
- A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a
hotel and were! standing in the lobby discussing their recent
tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out
of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?"
they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I
can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
- A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in
Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family
in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends
a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture,
she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of
Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen
Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
- These friars were behind on their belfry payments,
so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone
liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across
town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers
to close down, but they would not.
He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him.
So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and
most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close.
Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be
back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, ---
thereby proving that only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
- Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot
most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses
on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail
and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made
him ...(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)..... A super calloused
fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
- And finally, there was the person who sent
ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one
of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
—Cate,
Princeton, NJ
- Your last name stays put. The garage is all
yours.
- Wedding plans take care of themselves.
- Chocolate is just another snack.
- You can never be pregnant.
- You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
- You can wear NO T-shirt to a water park.
- Car mechanics tell you the truth.
- The world is your urinal.
- You never have to drive to another gas station
restroom because this one is just too icky.
- You don't have to stop and think of which way
to turn a nut on a bolt.
- Wrinkles add character.
- Wedding dress $5,000. Tux rental -- $100.
- People never stare at your chest when you're
talking to them.
- New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your
feet.
- Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds
flat.
- A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
- You get extra credit for the slightest act
of thoughtfulness.
- If someone forgets to invite you, he or she
can still be your friend.
- Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
- You can play with toys all your life.
- One wallet and one pair of shoes one color
for all seasons.
- You have freedom of choice about growing a
mustache.
- You do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives
on December 24th in 45 minutes.
No wonder men are happier!
—Cate,
Princeton, NJ
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