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When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity.
To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300° C.
The Russians used a pencil.
Enjoy paying your taxes.
—Cate, Princeton, NJ
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 35th wedding anniversary!
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.'
"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, "Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last.'"
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house.
After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "what took you so long to answer the phone?"
She says, "I was in bed." "In bed this early, doing what?"
"Getting a second opinion!"
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife," Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of six?"
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."
God may have created man before woman but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.
—Cate, Princeton, NJ
- If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an
instant "fix-me-up."
- If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too damn bad. Please recite with me, The Real Woman's motto: "I made it
and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes!"
- Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
- Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink. You might still have the headache, but who the hell cares?
- Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
- Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake. You are probably lying on your ass on the couch, with your feet up anyway.
- To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
- Buy boxed mashed potato mix and you don't have to worry about the potatoes growing arms and legs.
- When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on
the inside of the cake.
- Go to the bakery they'll even decorate the son-of-a-bitch for you.
- Brush some beaten egg white over piecrust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
- Sara Lee frozen freakin' pie directions do not include brushing egg whites, so I don't do it.
- If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
- Go ask the very HOT neighbour guy to do it.
And finally the most important tip:
- Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
- Leftover wine??
—Cate, Princeton, NJ
In Jerusalem, an American female journalist heard about an old rabbi >who visited the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time.
In an effort to check out the story, she goes to the holy site and there he is! She watches the bearded old man at prayer--and after about 45 minutes, when he turns to leave, she approaches him for an interview.
"I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN, sir, how long have you been coming to the Wailing Wall and praying?"
For about 50 years, he informs her.
"50 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Jews and the Arabs. I pray for all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and friendship."
"And how do you feel, sir, after doing this for 50 years?"
"Like I'm talking to a f---ing wall."
—Cate, Princeton, NJ
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run a marathon.
4. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
5. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
6. Things you buy now won't wear out.
7. You can live without excitement but not without glasses.
8. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
9. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
10. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
11. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
12. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
—Cate, Princeton, NJ
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is using you to heat the family room this winter.
Rather than just saying you are not amused, you shoot him.
3. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
4. The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven's Gate Cult gives you four hours of decent rest.
5. You change your underwear after every sneeze.
6. You're on so much estrogen that you take your Brownie troop on a fieldtrip to Chippendale's.
—Cate, Princeton, NJ
"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!"
"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee.
If you're under 50, this may be amusing, If you're over 50, this is probably reality
—Cate, Princeton, NJ
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